Where The Hell I've Been? A Massive Explanation & Update!

Monday, October 24, 2016

Hi loves!
I'm not dead (at least trying not to be haha) nor have I vanished into thin air with my superpowers and now I'm just hovering over all of you as a spirit.
I have stated several times on my snapchat, twitter and instagram why did I take a 2-3-month break from posting on social media, especially on Instagram, blog and Youtube but I never addressed it here. I think I owe you a huge explanation and a bit of inside scoop.

After I successfully managed to keep my acne on bay and minimize it, it came back worse than ever about a month after filming that video. I cried myself to sleep endless nights, thinking I wasn't human anymore. I couldn't handle it. I literally locked myself inside and today when I got out to pick up some mail I was shocked it wasn't August-temperature anymore. I got out in a shirt and leggings, still thinking it's summer. I couldn't handle anyone seeing me like this. I do my twice daily hygiene stay away from the mirror until the next time. I do the twice weekly washing my hair after which it's all pushed away from my face, in a low pony, scruffier than ever, cause I developed a phobia of anything touching my face as I feel like every single thing that it gets in touch with is causing even more breakouts.
I am in the worst period of my life right now, physically and mentally.
While I still think I have a good body (confidence never left me in this department), my face is what terrifies me. And the reason I'm not filming, posting or taking pictures is because I can't stand putting makeup on this textured mess, which can never look good no matter how much perfecting I put into it. I legit look like a whole-hazelnut filled Ritter Sport white chocolate with foundation on.
Another reason I can't stand makeup at this point is that when I tried to put it on several weeks ago, I ripped my breakouts in blood. That's right, I can't take off the makeup without getting blood all over myself.
You concluded right, I haven't worn makeup in TWO MONTHS. I terribly miss it, I miss being creative and just let the brush do the work.

I researched the internet in all its depths and widths (believe me, I have plenty of time on my hands with all this isolation) about accutane therapy which seems like the last option for me. I was SO ready! I didn't care about what could possibly be my individual side effect horror story, I just want clear skin and feel like a human again. But after visiting the dermatologist last week, I told that idea and the process has begun.
If you don't know about accutane, it's incredibly high-regulated, dangerous, last-resource drug with a wide range of side effects that some people can't even deal with so they have to stop the treatment (usually the full treatment goes for 6 months). But I skipped mentioning them my biggest, crucial thing in life and that's where I dug myself in a hole. Someday, somehow, when I gain strength I'll admit that to everyone (and most importantly, myself) but not now. It's the most private part of my life, that has had a MASSIVE impact on everything that I am, but no one knows about it. One day, folks. I'm not there yet.

Anyhow, I think I won't be put through the dreaded accutane therapy, but will be going on birth control instead. Which I'm NOT SURE YET so don't take my word for it. I'm so excited to have my gynecologist appointment tomorrow after which I'll know my fate and can start planning social media schedule and most importantly, move the fuck on with my stagnant life.

As for youtube, it's the thing I miss the most. It's my outlet and the only way I get to interact with people at this very point, as sad as it sounds. Sometimes days will go by and I wouldn't have even spoken a sentence (except when I sing Ain't Your Mama to myself out loud, in fear I'll lose my ability to produce voice), and by putting my channel on hiatus, you can only imagine how alone I feel.
But as I said, after all the appointments (tomorrow's one being the crucial one) I'll know when I'll get back to the swing of things. In the meantime, I've been putting hard work into getting all the things needed to produce better quality content for when I get back. You know that I always scream at my window, dreading the existence of Sun and clouds for messing up with my lighting every five minutes. Now we won't have that issue but that's all I'll share for now. All I'm saying is, the quality will be.... better. ;)

That's my update for now, if you've taken your time to read this, you must be as a party animal as I am.
Anyway, thank you so much for reading, I hope you won't forget about my existence and I can't wait to be back on socials!

Love, Klaudia.

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  1. I'm so sorry to hear that you have been having such a hard time. Fingers crossed for your appointment tomorrow & I really hope the pill works for you and looking forward to seeing your beautiful face on here again soon! xx

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